The Velvet Zealot, Nikol Vovayi Pashinyan

2026-02-18 - 17:14

My name is Nikol, a die-hard democratic zealot, Who was whisked to power on wings of Velvet. It was a paint by number Color Revolution — 1, 2, 3 — With me cast as Armenia’s Mikheil Saakashvili. All three of my names, first, middle and last, Were as Russian as sour cream from an oblast, So I grew a beard, wore camo and wrapped my hand To imitate the iconic Monte in command. Costume on and looking extra photographic, I screeched a Russian slogan and jammed all traffic. Soon, the sitting PM got a call from Mr. Putin, And, the very next day, by God, they put me in, A democratic leader which nobody chose With a pocket full of IOUs from NGOs. Now, I was positioned to fulfill my destiny As Armenia’s own Volodymyr Zelenskyy! But behind my demagogic rabble-rousing clamor, The velvet was merely cover for a claw hammer... Yes, the one I brandish before crowds of braindead dregs, Threatening to smash people’s skulls and break their legs. Abroad I’m a sniveling coward, a spineless wimp, Downcast eyes and the posture of a jumbo shrimp. At home, though, I’m a lion to my critics and foes: I allow none to dissent, disagree or oppose. I threaten to throw them all underfoot for all to see Because that’s how you govern a democracy! Whether I’ll win the next election, there’s no debate Because I, Nikol Vovayi Pashinyan, am the state!